The Bad Time

Here we are. The two year anniversary of the worst day of my life. Honestly, it may have even passed me by unnoticed except for the posts in remembrance of my grandfather. But since I have been reminded, today has been tough. I wonder who Atticus would have been by now. He would have been 16 months old. I’ve been trying to keep super busy at work and I’m playing loud, fun music. Now I’m sitting down to lunch and it’s quiet except for my munching. I don’t like it; at least not today.
I do think my subconscious knew what was going on. I’ve had my head up my butt all week, making big mistakes at work, which are rare for me. I’ve been scatterbrained and kind of sad all week. I’m in what I call “manic panic.” It’s not anxiety or a panic attack, but a high energy feeling like I have to rush for no reason. Like adrenaline, maybe? I’m moving too fast and causing myself problems. Maybe once today is over I’ll go back to my version of normal. I hope so because this sucks. I’m not used to being a train wreck at work. My boss bestows the honor of The Knucklehead Award when you screw up. I’ve always been able to reason my way out of being the knucklehead of the day, but I’ve earned three that I couldn’t argue with this past week. (Don’t worry, it’s all in good fun. It’s basically an informal way of saying, “yeah you screwed up today. Try to do better tomorrow.” Even my boss has earned it.)
I have an extremely casual relationship with my boss as well, so I told him that I figured out why my head has been up my butt all week. When I told him why he responded that it did sound like one of the worst days he’s ever heard of, losing a grandparent and unborn baby the same day. he followed it up with a statement I’ve heard quite a bit: “You’re looking at it the wrong way. If you hadn’t gone through that you wouldn’t have Fb. You’re probably a stronger mom because of it.” I love Fb with all of heart and would do just about anything for her, but she didn’t replace Atticus. If I could have both right now, I would. I think people that have never lost like that have a hard time wrapping their heads around that concept. They would never say it if he had been born, but because he wasn’t born, he was never real to others. He was real to me, he was real to God.
Forgive me, but I just needed a self-pity party for a little bit today. Hopefully I can snap myself back to the plastered smile and too-loud happy music again. Fake it til you make it.

Just some whining and rambling.

So I've been missing for a while. I worked a booth at RI Comic Con over the previous weekend, so I worked 12 days straight, with three at Comic Con being an enormously exhausting waste of time. So I'm not sure if it was being overworked or if it was having such an awful time at Comic Con, but I had the worst week last week. Debated calling out of work every single morning. Didn't get out of bed until 10 minutes before I was supposed to leave on Thursday. Had some small personal drama that was likely amplified in my mind by my exhaustion. It was just long and awful. 

I do think that I may have snapped out of it though. I think a good indicator of whether I'm having a good week or a bad week is whether or not I've managed to prep my food for the next day. Is that weird? All last week I had zero mental fortitude and couldn't bother making food or packing a lunch. I'm not sure that I prepped the coffee pot either. It's Sunday, which is usually the hardest food prep day because it involves planning my food and (ugh) grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping. In fact, I kind of hate that we need to eat to be healthy. I wish I could photosynthesize. But I did it nonetheless. 

I always make sure that I have a hard boiled egg to eat sometime mid-morning. I try to make sure I've got fruit for any snacking needs. I love sweet things and for me, a pile of clementines will do the job just as well as a Hershey bar. Though if Hershey bars are present, they should be heavily guarded. I am a chocolate fiend. So I've got three clementines. I've also got pummelo wedges. Price Rite has enormous pummelos so I eat a quarter a day. Or maybe I'll eat another quarter when I get home. It depends how I feel. And this week I finally got around to using my avocado before it went bad and made quinoa with avocado, halved tiny tomatoes, black beans, and Cain's White Balsamic & Honey Vinaigrette. 

Sometimes I put diced red onion but I didn't feel like it today. But the dressing is very important! 

I've tried substitutes but nothing has quite had the right zing yet. Also if you feel like the quinoa isn't up to par for you, you can add shredded chicken or shrimp and it's also pretty bomb that way, too.

So my lunch bag all packed up is 1 egg, 3 clementines, a quarter of a pummelo wedged up, and my quinoa junk. I think I have a thing for citrus. (If you're wondering, a pummelo is like a really delicately flavored grapefruit. It's a lot less tart, no sugaring needed!) 

Anyway, I mostly felt like, since I've only had the blog a couple of weeks, I couldn't start neglecting is already. So here it is; I had a horrible week last week, but the one ahead is already looking better. I know this because I actually prepped and packed my lunch. I guess it's the small things in life.

#SkyPirateLunchSack