I do think my subconscious knew what was going on. I’ve had my head up my butt all week, making big mistakes at work, which are rare for me. I’ve been scatterbrained and kind of sad all week. I’m in what I call “manic panic.” It’s not anxiety or a panic attack, but a high energy feeling like I have to rush for no reason. Like adrenaline, maybe? I’m moving too fast and causing myself problems. Maybe once today is over I’ll go back to my version of normal. I hope so because this sucks. I’m not used to being a train wreck at work. My boss bestows the honor of The Knucklehead Award when you screw up. I’ve always been able to reason my way out of being the knucklehead of the day, but I’ve earned three that I couldn’t argue with this past week. (Don’t worry, it’s all in good fun. It’s basically an informal way of saying, “yeah you screwed up today. Try to do better tomorrow.” Even my boss has earned it.)
I have an extremely casual relationship with my boss as well, so I told him that I figured out why my head has been up my butt all week. When I told him why he responded that it did sound like one of the worst days he’s ever heard of, losing a grandparent and unborn baby the same day. he followed it up with a statement I’ve heard quite a bit: “You’re looking at it the wrong way. If you hadn’t gone through that you wouldn’t have Fb. You’re probably a stronger mom because of it.” I love Fb with all of heart and would do just about anything for her, but she didn’t replace Atticus. If I could have both right now, I would. I think people that have never lost like that have a hard time wrapping their heads around that concept. They would never say it if he had been born, but because he wasn’t born, he was never real to others. He was real to me, he was real to God.
Forgive me, but I just needed a self-pity party for a little bit today. Hopefully I can snap myself back to the plastered smile and too-loud happy music again. Fake it til you make it.
No comments:
Post a Comment