Not Unless You REALLY Want To Know Me Right Now

Here we go again. I have a new psychiatrist now. Not by choice. My insurance ran out and to see Dr. Hudepohl at the hospital is almost $200 a visit and I’ve been going once a month. Fortunately, Rhode Island has some pretty amazing health resources available. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist at the Butler Residents Clinic and due to my uninsured status, it is free. Without it I would be going without therapy and without medication and I think we all know how that would turn out. I’ve only had a few visits and I haven’t made up my mind about it, but it’s different than the visits I’m used to. She doesn’t necessarily agree with a diagnosis of bipolar II but also said she wouldn’t rule it out. It’s possible it’s because the medication actually has the manic depression under control, but I still don’t feel right. It sucks because you feel on the up-and-up, start to feel more like yourself again, and then next thing you know you live in your pajamas again and are completely useless again. She thinks there’s definitely depression in some form at work, but she thinks I don’t need as much psychiatry and medication as much as I need regular therapy for anger issues. When she first told me that I thought that was so stupid and there was no way she was right. I monitored my moods and behaviors after she told me and I realized she MIGHT be right. I had told her that I’d been having issues with impulse control.

I’m not even sure how long ago I started writing this post. I’m guessing about a month. I stopped because writing about this is so emotionally exhausting for me. I think I’m struggling more and more. I don’t feel like a worthy human, a worthy mother, wife, I feel unworthy of trying to bear God’s name. I don’t want to get out of bed (but I do) but find myself not wanting to go home if I’m out by myself. Not to go anywhere. But to just be on my own. I’ve often thought of driving down to the ocean and listening, partially because the ocean holds so much peace and partially because I’m curious to see how long it would be before my husband called to see where I was. I feel like I don’t even know how to be human anymore. I’m constantly overwhelmed inside my mind and I’m often confused and scared. I feel like the alien bug from Men in Black that takes over Vince D’Onofrio’s body and keeps asking the wife for sugar water. A fake person in a human skin trying my best to pass as functional. I often want to cry, but I can’t anymore. I haven’t in months and even when I want to, I try to but it won’t come out. It’s like when you have a sneeze and you have that stupid look on your face until the feeling either goes away or you actually get it out. I haven’t been able to get it out. It’s hurting my marriage. It’s hurting my relationship with God. I haven’t been able to pray properly. I try and my mind goes elsewhere and my heart doesn’t know what it needs.  I haven’t been able to think straight. I’ve had headaches for three days straight, I haven’t been to work on time probably since I went back to work. I’m continually waiting for a reprimand from my boss and preemptively trying to come up with a way to explain that I really am trying but I guess I can try harder? Maybe that one time when I tried to get there early because I knew we were going to be super busy. I didn’t manage early but I did manage on time that day. I can’t stop spending money that we don’t have. On nothing in particular either. DVDs. Lots of DVDs. Clothes for babygirl, though to be fair she didn’t really have warm enough clothes in her size. Small furniture purchases. Lots of miscellaneous stuff from Amazon. I just want to be okay again.

Not everything works for everyone.

Seriously, I should make that my tag line. I feel like it's something people forget too often and try to push what they think on other people too forcefully. Even if they mean well, it's rude and annoying. Voice your opinion if it's appropriate, then shut your face until further information is solicited. Can you tell I'm not exactly a people-person? I do have a little pal that makes it somewhat easier to deal with other humans. 

His name is Zoloft! Yaaay!

Now, as far as I can tell I've been dealing with anxiety since I was very young (my earliest anxiety-related memories start when I was five-ish,) and began displaying signs of depression shortly after entering high school. I had my first panic attack at 15 while I was at work and my mom took my to the emergency room. I've had a prescription for Atavan since then to take as needed. I'm currently 26, and have been taking Zoloft for 9 months. 

Why am I telling you this? Goodness gracious, don't feel sorry for me or act like I'm undergoing this massive personal battle that I'm fighting bravely. To me, it's just my life. Everyone has their trials and this is mine, and it's currently under control. But I like to talk about it for the awareness factor. 

It's going to be 2016 in a hot minute and mental illness still holds such a huge stigma. Somehow, many people still see taking antidepressants as relying on a crutch or somehow think it makes them "not themselves." I felt that way for a long time. But would you hear a diabetic talking about their insulin and think they were just being a baby? To me a diabetic taking insulin, or (insert whatever ailment and treatment you desire here) is just common sense. People with depression and anxiety most often have some type of chemical imbalance going on inside their brains and they need a little help to fix it. 

Zoloft has literally changed my life. My husband always says, "It's like you fight getting glasses when your vision is going, but when you let go and finally go and get a pair, you can't believe you waited so long to see so clearly." It's very much the same for me. Every day was a struggle to function. That mountain of dishes in the sink was enough to reduce me to tears on a regular basis. These days I feel new. I feel capable and functional. My dishes are always done. No mountain in the sink, no tears. My laundry is always done! I never need "a day" to do laundry, because it's always just one load. One here, one there. Sometimes it all sits on my floor of my bedroom for two weeks but that's because I'm still a little lazy and at least it's clean! 

I still get off days. We all do. Where the familiar "why bother getting out of bed" feeling creeps back and threatens to derail me for the day. But it's easier to power through, knowing it won't last forever. 

It was a project though. Like I said, not everything works for everyone and I know because it took some experimenting to find what worked for me. I started at the prompting of my husband, whom I had to convince to try to live better through chemistry several months prior. Jon used Celexa (citalopram) and it was a perfect fit. When I tried the lowest dose of the same drug, it sent me to a weird, dark place where I could listen to the two halves of my brain argue the pros and cons of doing some terrible thing like driving off of a bridge. Fortunately I came through that part unscathed. After a particularly difficult night and some poor choices I called my doctor to see if I needed to wean off of it or if I could just stop. Fortunately I managed to stay safe during that process and once I was clear of its effects, we tried again. Several members of my family have used Zoloft at some point or another and evidently, because our genetic and chemical makeup is similar it was more likely to work for me as it did for them. 

The first two months were okay. I felt slightly better, but not new. I spoke to my doctor again and he suggested that we go up a dose and see how that went. That was 6 months ago, and I finally feel human. Most days at least. 

The keys are 1) you need to be ready to make a change. If you aren't ready, then nothing will help. 2) Trust the people that are around you and that care about you. If your own spouse (who is normally very gentle with their words) says you're insufferable, it's possible that you're not holding up as well as you think. 3) Trust yourself. If you have doubts that it's working, refer to key number two, and ask yourself if you feel like anything has changed, like your ability to handle stress or your tolerance for annoying people. 

Remember: not everything works for everyone, but something out there will work for you. In the meantime, keep your head up and talk about me when you go to your next therapy session. ;)

National hotline for prevention of suicide: 1-800-273-TALK