Not Unless You REALLY Want To Know Me Right Now

Here we go again. I have a new psychiatrist now. Not by choice. My insurance ran out and to see Dr. Hudepohl at the hospital is almost $200 a visit and I’ve been going once a month. Fortunately, Rhode Island has some pretty amazing health resources available. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist at the Butler Residents Clinic and due to my uninsured status, it is free. Without it I would be going without therapy and without medication and I think we all know how that would turn out. I’ve only had a few visits and I haven’t made up my mind about it, but it’s different than the visits I’m used to. She doesn’t necessarily agree with a diagnosis of bipolar II but also said she wouldn’t rule it out. It’s possible it’s because the medication actually has the manic depression under control, but I still don’t feel right. It sucks because you feel on the up-and-up, start to feel more like yourself again, and then next thing you know you live in your pajamas again and are completely useless again. She thinks there’s definitely depression in some form at work, but she thinks I don’t need as much psychiatry and medication as much as I need regular therapy for anger issues. When she first told me that I thought that was so stupid and there was no way she was right. I monitored my moods and behaviors after she told me and I realized she MIGHT be right. I had told her that I’d been having issues with impulse control.

I’m not even sure how long ago I started writing this post. I’m guessing about a month. I stopped because writing about this is so emotionally exhausting for me. I think I’m struggling more and more. I don’t feel like a worthy human, a worthy mother, wife, I feel unworthy of trying to bear God’s name. I don’t want to get out of bed (but I do) but find myself not wanting to go home if I’m out by myself. Not to go anywhere. But to just be on my own. I’ve often thought of driving down to the ocean and listening, partially because the ocean holds so much peace and partially because I’m curious to see how long it would be before my husband called to see where I was. I feel like I don’t even know how to be human anymore. I’m constantly overwhelmed inside my mind and I’m often confused and scared. I feel like the alien bug from Men in Black that takes over Vince D’Onofrio’s body and keeps asking the wife for sugar water. A fake person in a human skin trying my best to pass as functional. I often want to cry, but I can’t anymore. I haven’t in months and even when I want to, I try to but it won’t come out. It’s like when you have a sneeze and you have that stupid look on your face until the feeling either goes away or you actually get it out. I haven’t been able to get it out. It’s hurting my marriage. It’s hurting my relationship with God. I haven’t been able to pray properly. I try and my mind goes elsewhere and my heart doesn’t know what it needs.  I haven’t been able to think straight. I’ve had headaches for three days straight, I haven’t been to work on time probably since I went back to work. I’m continually waiting for a reprimand from my boss and preemptively trying to come up with a way to explain that I really am trying but I guess I can try harder? Maybe that one time when I tried to get there early because I knew we were going to be super busy. I didn’t manage early but I did manage on time that day. I can’t stop spending money that we don’t have. On nothing in particular either. DVDs. Lots of DVDs. Clothes for babygirl, though to be fair she didn’t really have warm enough clothes in her size. Small furniture purchases. Lots of miscellaneous stuff from Amazon. I just want to be okay again.

A million uses for coconut oil

As though you haven't seen every list compiled on the subject already. But let's face it, I love the stuff. I feel like everyone does. I have three jars of it in my house, one in the bathroom for beauty use, one in the kitchen for consumption, and another in the kitchen for making lip balm. (Another post for another day, that.)

Obviously, I've been less than loyal to the makers of coconut oil, but really I was trying to find the right one! I think the Nutiva (available at Target!) is the one as its cold pressed, unrefined, AND in a glass jar. It's slightly more expensive than both the Spectrum and the Nature's Promise, but it has what I'm looking for. 

As I've already said, I use one to make lip balm. I'm still trying to perfect my recipe but it's incredibly nourishing! I've been working on a gin & tonic flavor and a morning coffee flavor. But I'm getting ahead of myself! Another post for another day! But what else do I use coconut oil for? I used to use it to spot treat the occasional zit (notice I say used to... Hmmmm). I use it to remove my eye makeup at the end of the day, even waterproof mascara. I swear, that stuff is magic. 

Additionally, I had my ears pierced with a second hole this past June. I'm a notoriously slow healer, and the saline cleaner was very much irritating my skin. I figured they were healed so I stopped cleaning them with the saline. Poor choice. My lobes got puffy and gross and I could squeeze them like zits. It was not my finest moment. So I started rubbing them with coconut oil every morning, et voilà! They're perfect. The infections went away, my skin is no longer irritated by salt water, and I have silky soft earlobes. Very sensual. (Joking.) It does get annoying having to rub your phone clean after you use it when you use coconut oil on your ears, but it's worth it for the health of my piercings. Plus I'm more of a texter. I am a millenial after all. But if your piercings are infected, go see an APP (Association of Professional Piercers) member before doing it. Otherwise you could risk having to take your piercing out. But this is a tangent. 

I also use coconut oil in my cooking, like normal people. Fry an egg? Don't use cooking spray. Coconut oil. Making pancakes? Coconut oil. Baking just about anything? Coconut oil. Delicious and not the worst alternative in the world. However, currently my favorite use for coconut oil: oil pulling. You can also use sesame or other type of neutral oil, but I like coconut. I've not been doing it for very long, maybe a month or slightly longer. My skin is clear and glowing, my teeth are super clean, my dark circles have all but disappeared. 

(A couple minutes post-shower, with moisturizer only. No makeup, no filters. But pretty good lighting...)

I had read up on it quite some time ago and it seemed interesting but only as a passing fancy. Time went on and the information available became more in depth. I learned why you do it for 20 minutes, why it's more beneficial first thing in the morning, all the potential benefits that can come from squishing oil around your mouth for a while every day. People report balancing of hormonal fluctuations. I'm not positive of that one myself, but I've never been stellar at monitoring my hormones to begin with. 

I'll also admit, the first time I did I said "I can do this, I can be awesome at anything." I put a tablespoon of oil in my mouth, kind of chewed it until it was completely melted, and immediately wanted out. Five minutes was all I could manage. But once I knew what I was actually getting myself into by experience, I was fine after that. With a little less oil doing the twenty minutes was a breeze. I take care of the cats, make my lunch, prep my breakfast, spit in the trash, rinse, brush my teeth, move on with my day.  It's another thing that definitely isn't for everyone, especially not those with caps or amalgam fillings, but for me, just the difference in my skin and teeth is worth it!